Chortle Portal / Confessional

The Mother of All Mother’s Day Gift Guides

Mother's Day Gift Guide

What do you give to the mother who has everything this Mother’s Day?  Don’t ask me!  I’m neglected and undervalued, not to mention greedy.  I freely admit that I love to receive Mother’s Day gifts and, to me, it isn’t just the thought that counts.  Although the handmade gifts the kids present to me on Mother’s Day are very special, I feel I deserve a little more than a pile of popsicle sticks and glue. estimated it would cost $113,586 a year to replace Mom!  So no matter how abrasive, drunk, or perverted she is, Mom deserves something nice this year.  If you’re not sure what to get her, take a look at my gift guide.  I’ve got you covered!

Mother Headline Bite Me

Bite Me Pillow


Remember when Mom sent notes in your lunch that said things like, “You can’t spell,” or “Get a job”? And there was that year that she piped “Happy Fugging Birthday” in the neatest cursive writing across your birthday cake.  Don’t get Mother a dozen carnations this year, that’s not what she wants.  The Subversive Cross Stitch Bite Me Pillow from Urban Outfitters is the perfect gift for the abrasive yet crafty mom.

Mother Headline Glamorpuss

Glamourpuss Sunglass Case


Because nothing says “Mom” like needle point, my gift guide continues with a needle point Sunglasses Protector by Jonathan Adler (  I’ve lost count of how many cute pairs of sunglasses my children have destroyed.  I could really use this glamorous (albeit expensive) case designed by the guy from Bravo’s Top Design.

Mother Headline Hard Stuff

Booze Teacup


If your mom is as classy as she is pretty, then she probably loves to take swigs of booze out of a teacup.  Gift her this delicate piece of china.  It’s a neat way to admit that you’ve noticed the smell of alcohol on her breath, but it’s OK with you because you so fear her sober parenting.


Mother Headline AshyTokyo-Milk Kabuki No. 9

Winter is tough on a lady’s skin, so spring is a time of vigorous moisturizing.  Mom will be thrilled to receive a gift of luxurious, mildly-scented lotion.  Kabuki No. 9 by Tokyo Milk will pamper your mother’s skin.  It will also make her smell like sugared grapefruit while it simultaneously makes you her new favorite child.

Mother Headline Anus Jokes


Cards Against Humanity


That’s me!  This game is the number one thing I want for Mother’s Day.  It’s Cards Against Humanity, a twisted, perverted version of Apples to Apples.  If your mom likes this game, then you probably have bigger issues than what to give her for Mother’s Day.  Good luck, friend.

Mother Headlines Stash


Jonathan Adler Canisters

Where to keep all of Mother’s Little Helpers? I love this humorous line of circus tent striped canisters by Jonathan Adler. You’ll never mistake your uppers for downers again.  These would be so cute on my kitchen counter!

Mother Headline Apron

marimekko-ahonlaita-apronHaha!  I just wanted to put that visual in your brain. My own mother is dead, so you’ll allow me this pleasure, no? 🙂

This last gift idea doesn’t have a whole lot to do with your mom and dad’s sex life. It’s just an apron. If your mom ever cooks, maybe she’d like a good apron (this one is the Marimekko Ahonlaita Apron from Crate and Barrel).





3 thoughts on “The Mother of All Mother’s Day Gift Guides

  1. Pingback: 7 Happiness | Contrary Mom

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